i'll blog for food!

LOL! This is exactly how I feel right about now to be honest. It’s midnight; I’m still up because my thoughts just won’t let me sleep. Everyone is asleep, or they’re just all ignoring me. So, why not blog? Today my old crush that I crushed on since I was 7 years old till 14 years old; messaged me saying “what’s up beautiful” I just stared at the message and laughed because well I have my reasons. I don’t really have feelings until 12 am and then i get sad about everything. i wonder if anybody’s actually had feelings for me, like actually got upset or mad over little things i did and got jealous and confused over me and thought about me on a regular basis. i feel like i’m the only person that ever really cares about anyone and that nobody’s ever felt that way for me. I feel really bad for people who are just now trying to get close to me; I push everyone away on purpose and I know I do it. Why get close with them when odds are they’re going to leave anyway? I mean sure not everyone is going to leave, but in my mind there’s no point of risking it. So I push them away, make them leave, make them hate me. And in the end I’m alone with only myself to blame as I watch those I pushed away be happy. I rather others be happy than me. Then again it’s kind of sad when you’re lonely; laying in bed, just thinking and you just like need someone like really bad because it’s so dark and there’s too much space around you and too many thoughts that need to be shared.